New Snack Options in Tech Center

This post is satirical in nature and in no way is it representing real facts on the Bluffton University Campus.

The new vending machine on the ground floor of the tech center is selling packages of fresh grass or raw beef for only $1. The machine, installed at Bluffton after multiple requests for “healthier vending choices” were heard by the administration, has delighted vegetarians, carnivores, and specialized herbivores alike with its back-to-basics approach.

“I love the new machine. It emphasizes the fact that everything in the modern world is over-processed. We need to get back to the way things were before technology distracted us from the basic human question ‘What do we have for dinner?’ Things were so much more… simple… before food processing plants complicated everything,” says English professor Susan Carpenter. She, along with many other professors, taught The Omnivore’s Dilemma to her Issues in Modern America class earlier this semester. Carpenter hopes that students will be able to connect this new campus development with some of the things they read in the book.

Other people were less excited about it. “Grass? Really? I’d rather eat at Marbeck,” one student said with obvious distaste. Luckily for her, the cafeteria isn’t going to be serving fresh greens any time soon.

Story by: Alisha Phoebus

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